“The only legitimate attitude one can have in a successful marriage is to be totally vulnerable for your partner”, boomed Rick Jones the strident young preacher. “The key to a successful relationship is never about the selfish needs of the individual, but rather it is always about the needs of the other. This is the life that Christ demonstrated to us!”
Scott was a young and recent convert and, while he was quite immature when he heard this sagacious advice, he was smart enough to understand that it all was pretty serious stuff. “Success is not found in seeking to have your own desires met, but is rather discovered in being completely open to the needs of your mate. Real happiness is in always putting the happiness of others first.”
“Wow” thought Scott, but there was more to it. Rick went on to explain that there was another dimension added on top. Selfishness, personal desires, and one’s emotional needs were equated with the Christian concept of “sin”, and the opposite behaviours of selflessness, meekness and personal obviation, were akin to “righteousness”.
Scott was one of those lucky people who had been infused from birth with a healthy self-esteem. Some souls have it given to them by a loving family, and some are just born with it. In his teenage years he’d became quite an eloquent smart arse. The new environment that he chose, and was now had committed to, was very different to the outside culture and he realised it had no regard for empty bravado. Sobriety and moderation were the new frames of reference and within that context there were lots of meetings and social events arranged for good young Christians to reinforce these beliefs. These meetings also reminded them of the value of ‘saving’ themselves for marriage. He was in a newish relationship at the time so he was particularly open to Pastor Rick's forcefully articulated, but for Scott, radical new ways of thinking.
Having intimate relationships all mixed in with battles over good and evil, or holiness and sin, added another dimension to his thinking that those inside church communities, who were were coming to terms with their newly discovered world of sexual desire, had to wrestle with and confront. The duty and responsibility being discussed in this new faith context was way beyond the normal dynamics of human relations. It became centred on much broader issues, conflicts and controversies.
As a guide for human interaction selflessness is an admirable motivation. It has been the cornerstone of all the great faiths and philosophies for most of history. Neitszche hated it so much he wrote several books advocating the exact opposite. In the context of human relations however this mindset must be premised on the requirement that both people in the partnership have the same motivations, core values and levels of comprehension. If the other person involved has selfish tendencies, limited empathy, or hasn’t got a spiritual focus that is similar then participants like Scott are not perceived as being virtuous, rather they are seen as odd, strange, and weak. Christians endlessly question whether Darwin’s theories on natural selection in the biological domain are correct, but such debates are pointless because in the secular social world we all inhabit survival of the fittest is very much the raison d’etre.
Every time Scott was attacked, criticised, disagreed with, or disapproved of, he came to see it all as a spiritual battle, and the proper response was to subsume any kind of personal resentment or potential retaliation. Somewhere along his pathway his subconscious rebelled and this massive extra burden became too much. His “spirit was willing but his flesh was weak” and in his head he sort of walked away. He stopped seeing everything in terms of some spiritual battle, but by that time his natural reactions had set him on a particular path. His heart was pulling one way and his head was going the other. Just like the old proverb declares, “He who rides the tiger’s back may find it hard to dismount”. Equally there were times when he actually felt gratified by the fact that he could hold his temper and walk away from the face of hostility.
Another ingredient in his mix of opposing internal values and motivations was his realisation pretty early on that the only person whose character he had the right to mould was himself. This too is a marvellous and worthy ideal, but somehow when combined it with all that religious stuff it can lead to a point where an individual can tend take everything in their relationships to themselves. This then creates the totally perverse outcome where a bright, honest and confident person with pure motivations becomes trapped into a dynamic where they are slowly turned into something like a classic ‘door-mat’. The fact is that sometimes it is appropriate to lay down the law, deliver an ultimatum, and state clearly what kind of treatment an individual is entitled to receive from others. For him that never happened.
We all know either intuitively or experientialy that the door-mat personality is not a good head space to inhabit. Anybody who has lived it, is living it, or are close to somebody who is living it knows that it is an uncomfortable place. On the other hand Scott felt that he was merely managing to keep his even tempered resolve. The difference between these two perspectives can sometimes be minute and reside purely in the eyes or mind of the beholder. One person’s opinion that their even tempered behaviour is a result of an internal steely resolve is another person’s conflict avoidance phobia.
He was just a naive young soul who was struggling with the new world of sexual desire and becoming an adult, but in his interior world most things came to be seen as an apocalyptic battle between good and evil. There are only two things that mattered. The music he listened to, the literature he read, the activities he participated in, the relationships he had, and even his private thoughts were all measured and judged within a good verses evil backdrop. Both sides of that equation knew everything there was to know about him. There was a perpetual battle going on inside him, and who was going to win was never guaranteed. As a result of this endless internal pressure he did what any good young man should do. He married his girlfriend thinking that this would fix everything.
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Two Years Later
For the modern church attendee weekly Sunday worship is often supplemented by mid-week prayer meetings in people’s homes. There's usually a lot of discussions on topics of a practical everyday nature for the Christian. To belong to these assemblies where one is welcomed, valued, and listened to can be a very positive experience.
Scott and his wife's life togetther had turned out to be nothing like he had imagined. He was finding it difficult to get his head around an evolving set of relational dynamics that were completely new and foreign to him. This was elemental, because he been told and told that if one chose to obey the rules that the Divine has laid down, then lack of success, or worse, apparent failure, were never part of the dialogue. After much soul searching, and an admission to himself that he no longer had a clue of what the hell he was dealing with, he decided he and his wife should go to the latest mid-week meetings. The group that they attended had their dynamic youth pastor Rick Jones guiding. The good news was that the subject of these evening outings was “How to Have a Good Christian Marriage”.
After a couple of songs, a scripture reading, and some prayers Rick made the following unexpected announcement, “It’s really silly to have me taking part in this discussion because when it comes to relationships I am absolutely no good at them, so don’t listen to me.” Everybody chuckled or smiled because they knew this didn’t seem to match the evidence. The young pastor and his wife Pat, who was present, appeared to be very well suited, and certainly very happy. So the inevitable questions began to emerge. “But you two seem so happy.” “Well I find that difficult to accept.” “That sure doesn’t match what I see.” “If that’s the case then Pat must be good at holding it all together because you too appear so suited.” As these murmurs went round and round that little group the focus began to unavoidably fall back on to the pastor Rick. He then gave the next instalment in his skilful guiding of the agenda.
“I didn’t say we didn’t have a great marriage because we really do. What I said was that it can have nothing to do with me because I’m really selfish and I’m no good at it.”
“No!” “No not all!” “Never!” “Aaah, that’s so sweet.” “Oh Pat, he’s so humble.” Came the predictable replies. As they reached their crescendo, there then followed a short silence, and then of course everybody wanted to know, “How then do you two maintain what appears to be such a wonderful match?”
It was time for the master-stroke “Well we don’t have a wonderful match.” “Aaah?” “Well if it were left to me we would be engaged in endless bickering and name calling.” “Nooo!” “Look we both recognise we are sinners, and left to our own devices we will always fail. So we do the only thing left to us, and that is to give up on our own limitations and trust in the Spirit of God.” “Ooooh Yeees!”
“Therefore there is no alternative but look outside ourselves to that endless source of wisdom, that is the mind of God.” “Amen brother!” “Praise the Lord!” “Thank you Jesus!”
All agreed that, yes, we are all sinners just like Rick, yes, if it was left to each of us we to would probably let our selfish needs drive everything, and yes, we are so blessed to have the wisdom of God to guide us. Scott for his part kept reasonably quite and began to wonder if he was the only one who had the questions he did. The increasingly cynical and worn out individual that he was degenerating into began to feel just a little uncomfortable with the proceedings about now. That seems a bit simplistic, black and white, open and shut, or whatever other binary metaphor one chooses, he mused. Is that all we have to do, confess our sin, pray, and read the Bible? Boy oh boy, he thought he had done that about as much as anyone could recently, but his emotional cupboard was bare. The chatter all seemed to be just a bit predictable.
Everything his modest imagination could produce to try and identify some mutual point of contact between him and his wife's fragile state was swallowed up in a black hole. He felt desperately sad for her - and for him too. She never seemed able to rise out of her emotional abyss. He felt consumed by guilt and failure because his former confidence in his ability to be strong and supportive turned out to be nothing but a pop-gun aimed at the Rock of Gibraltar. He was starting to suspect that his emotions were becoming as fragile as hers and he was falling into the very same abyss. Now this smart-alec school boy of a pastor, who was currently riding on the crest of the wave, and seemed to have very recently jagged somebody smart and compatible, thinks it is all “that” simple.
But he was nothing if not determined. So it was with careful tactfulness he decided to ask a question that he hoped might bring things around and into something more substantial than the current flowery platitudes. “If that’s the case Rick, and Praise the Lord that it is, how do you know exactly what God wants you to do in a specific situation? Like what practical things do you actually do? Or what are the right things to say?”
“Well you pray and pray, and then you read your Bible and pray, and when you’ve done that you read your Bible and pray,” came the somewhat bemused reply from Pat with its implicit but unstated – “Everybody knows that, you dill”.
He stopped himself at this point and didn’t go on to ask his next question. Helen Keller could have seen he was not surrounded by allies, but rather he had somehow finished up behind the enemy trenches. He didn’t have to ask anything more however, or wait very long, because Pat quickly slapped him down with the following, “The Bible clearly says that if you ask earnestly and truthfully, God will hear you and he will answer your prayers. It is a matter of making yourself available to hear the words of God. Remember that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord.”
Rick then followed up with, “And its not just a matter of hearing what God wants you to do. It’s a matter of being prepared to do what he says whether you like it or not! Is that something you’re ready to do?” His modest but sincere enquiry was working to exclude him from the “group-think” dimension.
“What could you say,” he finally finally decided he would ask, but would try to sound as detached as he could, “to a sincere soul who feels he or she has done everything they can to understand and apply God’s will to their life, but they are still facing failure?” At this point the metaphorical crucifixes, garlic and stakes came out and the Greek Chorus chanted in unison, “Well clearly that person is not hearing the word of God. Perhaps they are hearing other voices.” “God has promised to pour out His blessings, and if they're not benefiting from the promises the problem might be them!” Unfortunately there is no room for anything but success in some versions of the modern church.
At this point Scott's mind was racing but he chose to keep his thoughts to himself and for a time remained outside of the chatter. He had recently read a biography of John Wesley. He was declared “The Most Loved Man In Britain” at his death in 1791. He was famous for both his humility and his powerful social conscience. His life was a beacon of good works, Christian righteousness, and practical achievements. And yet his home life was a disaster. His 20 year marriage to Mary Vizelle was notorious for its ill-temper, and when she finally left him she purposely, and out of pure spite, destroyed many of his journals. Another colleague from that very same era was George Whitfield. His capacity for work was breathtaking and his preaching and evangelising across both Britain and America has never been matched. But his unhappy marriage was always on show to those who knew him well and appeared to be a “necessary inconvenience”. In fact one friend said of him many years later that his wife's premature death “set his mind much at liberty". After four miscarriages, she had bore their only child, a son, who died at four months old. Was that 'all things working together for good' he wondered. There were so many questions Scott formed in his mind but didn't ask. Once again his own emotional needs was subsumed by his need to demonstrate Christian courage under fire.
He thought of modern news sources that were endlessly reporting stories of the latest US tel-evangelist who had been caught with his pants down. Names like Jimmy Swaggart, Carl Lentz, Frank Houston, or Jimmy Bakker. And then there were the much more serious cases of Jim Jones or David Koresh. He decided to just leave it. Reminding his fellow prayer group attendees of these uncomfortable facts would do nothing to help him in his quest for solutions. It appeared to him that marriage problems don't magically evaporate in the presence of God's word in the way the youthful Rick and Pat are advocating. That relationship lottery that he was experiencing was likewise in play for most individuals regardless of the sanctified voices in their head. People who are struggling don't need a string of cliches. These people actually need love and charity, not judgement or accusations. They could also use some practical suggestions. His faith sort-of hung about in its dishevelled untidy state but was never quite the same after this bombardment, and just like Coleridge's famous “Wedding-Guest” Scott left the prayer meeting “a sadder and a wiser man”.
Rick, for his part, and about a decade later, lost his high profile role in a successful mega-church when the childless Pat finally lost patience with him and revealed to the public that he had just attempted to coerce his latest indiscretion into having an abortion.
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